He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
