my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
