you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
