I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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