My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
