guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
