so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
