I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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