Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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