Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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