I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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