it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
