rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
