I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
