Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
