I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
