if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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