its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
