I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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