I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
