I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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