im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
