I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
