Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
