i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
