On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
