I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
