Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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