ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize