On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize