Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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