what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
