i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
