he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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