bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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