I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
