She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize