I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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