i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
