I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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