i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize