i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
