i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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