the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
