Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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