No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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