I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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