I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
