No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
