My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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