got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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