do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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