so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i came on her dog
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
