Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
