ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
