u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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