when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
