it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I currently don't understand fingers.
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