Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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