the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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