there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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