He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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