I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
