I think I won the penis lottery.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
