I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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