She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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