I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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