somebody snuck up and got me drunk
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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