Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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