i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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